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Music reviews, editorials, gear reviews for the guitarist/bass player, journal entries, advice, funny crazy stuff and more. Updated roughly 2-3 times a week.
Bazooka-Joe's Incoherent Ramblings

Friday, October 28, 2005

Fear Not Loyal Readership


I've not forgotten about either of you poor soul's dying for the next edition of Bazooka-Joe's Ramblings. I'm simply swamped with work and band stuff of late. But I do promise, oh-so-faithfully that a new, legitimate post is coming (this one doesn't count).

Dano, Fish-Tacos, and I are going to the Petra Farewell Concert tonight. Should be a hoot! It's been years since I've seen them live. I'll try to remember to bring my camera and if they allow it, take some decent photographs. Either way, expect a half-way decent write-up after (maybe Monday?).

Bazooka-Joe made it so at 2:35 PM | 3 class clowns in the back of the class were bored from throwing pencils in the ceiling and paused long enough to comment on this post

Monday, October 17, 2005

Gooberdillas On The House


Traveling around the country like a rock star…before you’re actually a rock star, comes with its share of quirks and expenses. One of the challenges my band and I faced was streamlining our food costs. As every good bachelor knows it’s the food line item in the monthly budget that gets sacrificed to pay for the next great toy. It’s the same way with a band. “So how are we going to get home now?” In Denver, CO we needed a few spark plugs replaced. We went to the cheapest mechanic we could find that (almost) spoke English. But apparently, after replacing them he laid the plug wires across the exhaust manifold and we made it all the way to St. Louis before the completely melted. Money for a new vehicle inevitably comes out of nutritional expenses. So we learned to get by on less and come up with ingenious ways of keeping our taste buds from rotting out of boredom. But a traveling band has some additional concerns. The food must:

A. Be cheap.
B. Be easy to prepare from the backseat of a van pulling a trailer on a curvy dirt road at 65mph.
C. Meet the allergenic requirements of all partakers.
D. NOT be taxing on the gastro-intestinal tract.
E. Be cheap.
F. Not be difficult to eat with one hand on the wheel.
G. Have a cute name that’s fun to say over and over and over again.
H. Preferably something that will not go bad after being left for weeks in a hot van.
I. Be cheap. (Get it? I. Be Cheap? Get it?...nevermind.)


This week’s affordable flavor extravaganza….is the “Gooberdilla”. The Gooberdilla is beautiful in its awe-inspiring simplicity. Here’s how meals in a van somewhere on I-70 after a week of touring works:

Me (driving): “Hey it’s like 2am…shouldn’t we eat some lunch?”
Drummer: “Tina, you fat lard, come get some ham.” [w/Napoleon Dynamite voice]
Keyboardist: “Today I’m having a giant pile of salt!” [w/King of Town voice]
Singer: “Dang it Napoleon, Make yerself a danged gooberdilla.”
Bassist: “That is what I have been saying.” [w/Inspector Clouseau voice]

After about day 3 in the van, nobody uses their real voices anymore, we all just look for ways to interject our favorite quotes from movies or other pop culture influences. Talking like this for days on end, usually leads to a Pavlov-like detoxification process when we get home to our wives (it involves slapping upside the head whenever one’s voice reverts back to that of a comical character of one of the aforementioned forms of media).

After about another twenty minutes of Napoleon, Strongbad, Pink Panther, Office Space, and Tommy Boy quotes, we finally get down to actually talking about eating.

Drummer (backseat): “Well, let’s see. We have Gooberdilla fixings and…more Gooberdilla fixings. It’s all that’s left. Inspector Clouseau ate all the jalapeño jerky and cheese & cracker packs. There’s a clump of M&M’s that melted and stuck together and some leftover jo-jo’s from Kansas City.”

What you’ll need to follow along at home is one (1) jar of Smuckers brand Goober (peanut butter and jelly in the same jar - $0.99 at your local grocer), a pack of flour tortillas and a utensil to distribute the goober. If you’ve ever tried to ‘spread’ Goober, then you know it’s a little less frustrating than Arrow’s Impossibility Paradox. It basically just clumps in certain spots. Don’t try to spread it, you’ll only hurt yourself. Get enough clumps on your quesadilla to have decent coverage, roll it up like a burrito and pass it to the front of the van (each person takes a bite on its way to the driver usually).

Goober, we’ve come to find out, can survive being left in a hot car for multiple summer days with the lid only partially screwed on. Chip off the top layer of crusties and you have a perfectly edible substance again. I’m pretty sure in the event of nuclear holocaust that cockroaches and Goober are going to be the only left on the planet. A good side effect is that Goober tends to stop most people up pretty good if you eat it two meals a day for a week. Sure it leaves you in stomach cramps but it also means the driver doesn’t have to stop every day for a bathroom break either.

Gooberdillas also work when camping. Although, when camping, I highly recommend the alternate route when it comes to food (find yourself a good woman that can and loves to cook even on a camp stove, marry her and buy her lots of cook books for the avid camper). But for you bachelors and the camping inept check out Dan’s blog for some more great camping tips.

Bazooka-Joe made it so at 2:05 PM | 7 class clowns in the back of the class were bored from throwing pencils in the ceiling and paused long enough to comment on this post

Thursday, October 13, 2005

One For the Books


STRONGBAD HAS OUT-DONE HIMSELF!!

His modern-day metaphorical commentary about noise-makers, their rise to stardom, how they sell-out, how they are idolized, how they fade into obscurity and are then copied for generations is a pure work of art.

I’m not even going to say anything else about it. Just click the link above, turn up your speakers, and enjoy. Three cheers for Strongbad, the satirical hero of American consumers and pop-culture has-beens.

Bazooka-Joe made it so at 3:39 PM | 8 class clowns in the back of the class were bored from throwing pencils in the ceiling and paused long enough to comment on this post

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Humorous Headlines - A Tribute to Stupidity

Actual Headlines From the Associated Press and Reuters


Another Downside to Aging
A military court in Sierra Leone convicted Warrant Officer Amara Conteh for collaboration with the rebels during attacks against government troops. Three other soldiers were sentenced to terms of 16–22 years, but the civilian judge sentenced Conteh to hang for the crime. He is 77 years old. (Reuters)
...Seeing as how you're not likely to live another 16 years, here's what we're gonna do....

A Dozen Kooks
The Appeal Court in Great Britain has been asked to review a murder conviction on the basis that the jury reached its verdict after a séance — which would mean they did not reach their verdict solely based on evidence presented in court, as required. It seems three of the jurors used a Ouija Board to contact the murder victim, who pointed his phantom finger at Stephen Young, 35, as the culprit. The 12-person jury went on to convict Young unanimously. (Reuters)
...OK, after two "smoke breaks", one "lunch", and seven "Hulk Hogan" responses, we finally got the Ouija Board to give us a "gilltee" verdict.

So Hot, They're Cool
Christopher Lyons, a drug dealer serving time in prison, filed a $310,000 lawsuit against the Kellogg Co., claiming that a "defective" Pop Tart injured his mouth and caused him nightmares, which lead to 72 hours of sleep deprivation. U.S. District Judge Benjamin Gibson dismissed the suit, saying there was no proof of suffering worth at least $50,000, the minimum for a federal lawsuit — partly, the judge noted, because Lyons had lost no wages and incurred no medical expenses. (AP)
...Pain and suffering from a breakfast pastry...I've seen it all now.

Mr. Smith Goes to Prison
Claude A. Smith, 60, a black man housed in an Ohio prison, was in need of prostate surgery. Claude E. Smith III, 43, a white man who until recently was housed in another Ohio prison, is suing the state of Ohio for $3 million, claiming his prostate was removed in error when they sent for the wrong Claude Smith. He charges the operation left him impotent and without bladder control. (AP)
...If it were me, and I was going in for an ear ache, I'd have started questioning when I had to remove my orange jumpsuit and the anesthesiologist asks me to count to ten backwards...but that's just me.

"English Roulette"
In lieu of wedding gifts, a couple in London, England, is asking that guests instead place bets with a bookmaker in their name. If the bet pays, the couple will collect the winnings. "If not, we will still have a lot of fun," the groom said. (Reuters)
...Talk about safe bets. Put me down for $10 that their marriage won't last a year.

Is it Time for Second Breakfast Yet?
Five hundred reserves from the Irish army were sent to the hospital when, apparently caught up in the heat of battle, they got a little carried away and suffered cuts, bruises, sunstroke and dehydration. But it wasn’t a war: they were performing as extras in Mel Gibson’s latest film, Braveheart, being shot in England. "The Irish Reserve Army don’t see much real action, so this could be the only chance they’ll ever have," a military spokesman explained. (Reuters)
...Don't you just love the smell of bourbon in the morning?

The Lazy Liar
In June, Richard Nieves, 21, called Aurora, Ill., police and reported that he had witnessed a child’s kidnaping. "People say you can speak with your eyes, and hers seemed to be saying, ‘Help me. Get me out of here. Do something for me’," Nieves said at the time. A massive police hunt turned up nothing, and after flunking a lie detector test, Nieves admitted making the story up. He was sentenced last week to two years’ probation and 500 hours of community service. Why did he do it? He needed an excuse for taking a day off work as a machine operator. (AP)
...Boss isn't buying the "Black Plague" anymore, eh?

Drive-by Flinging
An animal protection group in Jerusalem, Israel, says in the last three months there have been 43 reported cases of people throwing cats out of cars, apparently in an attempt to abandon them to the streets. While most were tossed from cars "at low speed," at least one ended up hitting the windshield of another vehicle. The cat survived. (Reuters)
...And 43 children were told their kitties were driven to a special Israeli farm just for cats to run and play.

Please Sir, May I Have S'more?
Mark Holmes admits he kidnaped a 10-year-old girl from a London-area vicarage and subjected her to a night of "indecent assault". Upon being sentenced to nine years in prison, he complained to the judge that the sentence was too lenient. "What sort of a sentence is that? I have ruined a girl’s life and you give me nine years? I am a beast, an animal," he said. (Reuters)
...Haven't you ever seen Shawshank Redemption? I’m sure your new roommate can help tip the scales in justice's favor.

The Death of a Dork
A gunman apparently hired to kill a woman shot at her several times in Edwards, Colo., but missed. So he tried hitting her with rocks. He was so inept that he was still at it when police arrived, and so nervous that when confronted by the responding officer, he had a heart attack and died on the spot. The woman survived, and recognized the gunman as a longtime friend of her ex-husband. (AP)
...On the divorce papers she put down "His stupid friends are always making a mess of my house."

Say Wha?!
A committee established by Parliament to suggest how to make Britain more "family friendly" suggested that Britain participate in a European Union policy of guaranteeing new fathers three months of unpaid paternity leave. "Helping men to be involved with their children is one way of providing a positive sense of identity," the committee report said. On the other hand, a report released by a university researcher five days earlier showed that unemployed British men would prefer to wander the streets than stay home and take care of their children. (Reuters)
..."Thanks much, but can you just send me a check instead?"

Bazooka-Joe made it so at 1:57 PM | 4 class clowns in the back of the class were bored from throwing pencils in the ceiling and paused long enough to comment on this post

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

PSA: Germans Make the Earth Move

Please feel free to click on the pictures to get the full effect.

Working at the US department of Energy means from time-to-time, I come across some really interesting emails from co-workers involved in certain projects or that have friends in the industry working on equally interesting stuff. I was contemplating how upset I get when I lose my car keys on a weekly basis as I read through an email with 5 or 6 FWD: in the subject line. Sometimes when things get lost, they turn up in the most unexpected of places. But before we get into the lost bulldozer, I need to tell you about the world’s largest earth mover. Krupp, a German company, apparently saw a market for an “Ultimate Earth Mover”.


Yes, you are looking at an actual, un-doctored photograph of a machine that really does exist. The Ultimate Earth Mover stands at 311 ft. tall and 705 ft. long.


The UEM weighs in at a stunning 45,500 tons and costs over $100,000,000 to construct. It took 5 years to design and manufacture and another 5 years to assemble. It requires a minimum of 5 people to operate it.



The “bucket wheel” is over 70 feet in diameter with 20 buckets, each of which can hold over 530 cubic feet of stuff. A 6ft. man can stand up inside of one of the buckets.



It moves on 12 crawlers (8 in the front, 4 in the back). Each crawler is 12 feet wide, 8 feet tall, and 46 feet long. It has a maximum speed of 1 mile in 3 hours and it can remove 76,455 cubic meters of dirt a day. That’s the equivalent of 100,000 large dump trucks at 40 yards each.



Hah! So where did this “missing dozer” go? Well, you’ve probably guessed by now the Ultimate Earth Mover picked it up like it was clump of dirt.



And that concludes this public service announcement about the dangers of leaving bulldozers unattended around German Ultimate Earth Movers. Can’t you just see the goofy smile on the foreman’s face as he holds up the package of Mentos.

Bazooka-Joe made it so at 4:18 PM | 14 class clowns in the back of the class were bored from throwing pencils in the ceiling and paused long enough to comment on this post

Thursday, October 06, 2005

My Toddler Can Beat Up Your Toddler



We had a very interesting talking point last night at my Young Married “small group” meeting. I slumped in my chair most of the evening. Not because of the discussion, but due to some poor decision making regarding lima beans for dinner. I was pinching them off left and right. No worries, they were all “silent but deadly”. Every 20 minutes or so I’d pretend to smell something and look around the room with a face that seemed to say “That’s just gross. Who would do such a vile thing in a church?” That aside, the discussion was one I’ve been thinking about for about a week now.

Disciplining kids is a topic that a lot of people have a lot of different philosophies about. Take a look at any book-of-the-month club. There’s almost always a token representative from the child-pop-psychology section. So having sat idly by while Dano, Pec, C-Train, Daniel, and others take their stab an actually serious topic, I thought I’d throw my hat into the ring of controversy and see what kind of mischief I stir up.

There’s a new type of parenting out there, that we have postmodernism, existentialism, and logical positivism, (among other ism’s) to thank. I like to call it the White Rabbit approach to parenting. I call it that because the war cry of these parents is so commonly, “Hurry, hurry, no time, no time at all!” It gives birth to a temporal equivalent to the manic-materialistic concept of “keeping up with the Joneses”. Parents caught up with this philosophy subscribe to all those periodicals you see hanging in the check-out aisles. They believe they must fill every hour of every season of their children’s lives with an organized, extra-curricular personal growth experience. The after-school and weekend schedule of these kids is filled every night of the week with soccer practices, oboe lessons, karate classes, AWANA, girl scouts, tee ball, water color painting, and more. We’re talking kids as young as four years old. Take a look at that brief list you just read. There’s nothing wrong with any of those activities. What’s wrong is that this generation of parents has cultivated a need to stroke their own egos based on their children’s “well-roundedness”. Even within the church you see the faces of parents as they hear what their friends’ kids are doing, accomplishing, a part of and they ask themselves, “should my toddler be learning Spanish too?” They believe cramming as many activities as possible into their child’s lives is what is best for them. Not to mention it relieves the parents of actually having to interact with the kids and become responsible for their upbringing; and instead, handing that instinctive roll off to the coaches, teachers, and youth leaders.

And industry, never one to miss a beat, has found a way to capitalize on this lifestyle. The most recent KFC commercial (and don’t get me wrong, I love my Colonel’s chicken) shows mom with her kids standing around a calendar. Tommy’s guitar lesson is on the calendar in green, Marcy’s soccer practice on the calendar in red, and Suzie’s swim class on the calendar in yellow. One of the kids pipes up and asks, “what about dinner?” Granted, that’s only one activity per kid, so the parallel isn’t as accurate…but you see my point. The marketing team at KFC knows that the family schedule in many households looks very similar and it’s more than just one activity per child. What about dinner indeed? And what about homework? And what about parents actually parenting one night a week? Movies & TV portray the “ideal child” bombarded with activity after activity and, because of all the ‘positive stimulation’ growing up confident, reliable, successful adult (and don’t even get me started on ridiculously heavy emphasis placed on “confidence” by society)…that doesn’t know the first thing about being part of a family, can’t talk to his parents, and don’t know how to prioritize.

There’s a new breed of soccer moms out there. And their on a mission…to be able to impress their friends that are parents with how busy their child is, to drive the wheels right off their mini-vans in a constant shuffle from one extra-curricular to another…and perhaps most importantly to leave the disciplining, instilling of ethics, and personal connection with their children to the “professionals”.

Bazooka-Joe made it so at 11:23 AM | 4 class clowns in the back of the class were bored from throwing pencils in the ceiling and paused long enough to comment on this post

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Music Review: Switchfoot's "Nothing is Sound"


Let’s go straight to the best stuff, shall we?

High Point: "We Are One Tonight" is my favorite song. It's a great tune from start to finish, perfect dynamic, beautiful hook, and lovely melody, catchy as all get out. Great use of guitars, acoustic and electric alike. Jon's vocals are ideal for a song like this. It starts a little slow, but gives you a sensation of building up to the chorus, which is the shining star on the album for me. Verse 2's rhythmic snare banging strikes a chord of brief annoyance, but is quickly broken up in the pre-chorus channel. I could listen to that chorus over and over again though. The absolute BEST part of the album so far though is the ending chorus. He comes down with toms in verse 3 and then down even further with very simple percussion (drum machine?) and acoustic guitar and THEN he repeats "We are one..." three times and when he finally says "tonight" on the third time the song totally opens up. For some reason that moment reminds me a little bit of Chemical Romance’s “Helena”, but that’s neither here nor there. Heavenly vocal BGV rounds screaming out that catchy chorus, and as it fades out John is saying something that I can't quite decipher yet, but I like the feel of the fade out (and I hate fade outs so that's saying something).
I give it a "superb" rating.

"Easier Than Love" is my second favorite song so far I think. I love the playfulness in the verse, offsetting the serious nature of the lyrics. The chorus is full of great, catchy melody, etc. The vamp between the 2nd chorus and the bridge is a little disconnecting. The bridge borders on monotonous, but in the end it proves itself worth listening to as it transitions to the big open instrumenation version of the chorus. The acapella break in that chorus is a nice touch too but the "la-a-a-a" things he does at the end are a little cheesy.
Rating: "Pretty darn good."

Low Point: So I have a lot of emotional philosophies about what makes a good song, and recently I've been able to quantify one of those into words. It's come to my attention that when I'm processing whether or not I like a song for the first time that a good melody is not ALL it takes to make a good song. However, a bad melody is ALL it takes to make a bad song. A melody can be interpreted in my brain as "bad" for a multitude of reasons. The timbre and quality of the singer’s voice can cause that particular opinion. A complete lack of hook will definitely cause it. If there's nothing catchy about a song, well, that's pretty much a killer for me. And fluidity can impact it. If it doesn't flow right, or flows in such a way that annoys, distracts, or makes it difficult for me to sing along, that will impact my thinking too. Now some of you are going to hate me for this, but I think the lowest point on the album I believe is "Lonely Nation". There's almost nothing about this song's music I like. The verses don't go anywhere. And choruses do nothing for me. The thematic, discombobulated, schizophrenic changes in arrangement are too frequent and too close together for my taste and John's "Oh's" after the choruses are annoying to me. So is his screaming. I like the lyrics a lot. I want it to open up or break down, and it does break down a little bit in the bridge, but there's nothing at all interesting about the bridge. It's repetitive, the arrangement is scarce (and not in a good way). It's filled with ambient weird stuff. Then it returns to the break-neck jerky chorus. The outro actually seems to drop in intensity right before it ends, which doesn't feel appropriate. The effect-saturated ending is unique and I give it points for style, but overall, unless it grows on me over time (which has happened with Switchfoot songs in the past) I doubt it's one I'll really attach myself to.
I give it a "disappointing" rating.

"Daisy" is very artsy. Maybe too outré. I appreciate and respect what they're doing because they pulled it off. But I don't think the general public is going to have that level of appreciation for the dissonant chordal patterns and the absence of a solid, stable hook. It's hard for a song like "Daisy" to be catchy because your mind is busy thinking things like, "is that the right chord" or "something doesn't sound right" as it floats in and out of key. Each passage usually resolves to something that works, but for too many brief moments I caught myself thinking something wasn't working with the music.
So right now I'm rating it, "Not sure, ask me again in a week."

"Happy is a Yuppie Word" starts out great. "Yuppie Word" has a good start/stop jerking feel with breaks of decently-flowing music. It's more like what I wished "Lonely Nation" was and could have been. The melody hook is OK. At nearly 5 minutes it's a little long though. Songs like this on previous albums were good, but easier to listen to because they were shorter. I could've done without the whole "Nothing is sound!" redundant bridge lyrics.
I'd describe this song as "not bad".

“Golden" is a good poppy tune, with a decent hook, great arrangement, beautiful harmonies, a wonderful (lyrically and musically) acoustic breakdown at about 1 minute. In fact I like that whole verse. This song is pretty in its simplicity. I didn't think Jon Fields could produce something so bare-bones.
Rating: "Good"

“Politicians" has some good guitar work but it, “The Setting Sun” and “Fatal Wound” all come across as mediocre. Pretty much filler songs.
Ratings: "OK, but nothing to write home about"

"Shadow Proves Sunshine" is really a great song. I can't necessarily put my finger on what exactly I like about it, but it will get 4 stars in my iPod. Good imagery I thought. Plenty of catchiness. I enjoyed where it opened up about half way through too. John's alternate vocal that is a couple octaves higher than the lead, holds my interest well too. This song has a VERY "U2" feel (newer stuff, not older stuff).
Rating: "Not bad, particularly if I'm in the mood for it"

“The Blues” is a superb tune. It does for me what “Dare You to Move” does. The “when the world caves in” tagline is really catchy. Verses are potent and profound in their simplicity but address thought processes we’ve all had from time to time. You hear some clichés but not to a sappy degree or anything. There’s some obvious repetition, maybe more than any other song, but the arrangement and melody are so strong I wouldn’t dare call it redundant.
Rating: “Great stuff”

“Stars” of course has been available as a single for some time now so it hardly seems worth generating a specific review of it. Suffice it to say though, if you were lucky enough to download the entire album off of iTunes (which I recommend) you got an extra-special acoustic version that’s twice as good as the radio release. There’s a tone of arrangement dynamic present in this song. Guitars bouncing all over the place. No wonder they had to hire another guitarist. What you’d expect from John Fields’ production, frankly. But it was mixed really well to the degree you don’t feel like there’s too much going on, necessarily. Catchiness is there, but not as strong as “We Are One” or “Easier Than Love”. The hook is in the guitar riffs and that’s even more so the case for the acoustic version.
Radio version rating: “Pretty decent”
Acoustic version rating: “Superb”

So how would I describe this album? Well, the individual songs get ratings of pretty darn good, pretty decent, disappointing, not sure, two not bad's, good, OK, great and a pair of superbs. I'd say that stacks up in Switchfoot's favor. Bazooka-Joe definitely recommend this album.

And now Bazooka-Joe is exhausted. Bazooka-joe needs some pasta.

Bazooka-Joe made it so at 3:00 PM | 5 class clowns in the back of the class were bored from throwing pencils in the ceiling and paused long enough to comment on this post

Saturday, October 01, 2005

The Best Birthday Present This Year


Ah yes, Bazooka-Joe's blog now comes with an awesome new wrapper (That's "wrapper", not "rapper" - there's a difference). Uber special thanks to Dan and the second coolest birthday present he's ever gotten me. The first of course being the blonde mullet wig. And yes, that's me in the corner with the eye patch about well...a long time ago.

Bazooka-Joe made it so at 4:40 PM | 8 class clowns in the back of the class were bored from throwing pencils in the ceiling and paused long enough to comment on this post