I nearly ran over the “F” volume from a 1998 World Book Encyclopedia this afternoon. Maybe it was from one of the kids waiting at one of the many bus stops on my street that turn a half-mile stretch of street into 20 minutes of frustration manifesting impatience. Or perhaps from the neighbor that now has a permanent canopy in his yard for the "perpetual yardsale" that apparently will continue every weekend until she sells all 26 volumes of the encyclopedia separately! So I’ve been doing some research on the almighty fart. I’m happy to announce I’ve successfully discovered exactly what I’m breathing in when I’m standing in the bookstore flipping through an exhilarating selection on American engineered guitars of the 50’s and 60’s when the guy a couple rows down lets out a squeaker.
Apparently, the average human releases roughly 1 liter (or 3 pints) of farts. Men fart roughly 12-24 times a day, while women only average about 7 times daily (remember, this is an average now…experienced professionals such as myself trump this number). What you’re breathing in as you inhale butt aroma from your neighbor is actually CO2, nitrogen, oxygen, methane and hydrogen. But none of these components actually have an odor though. The foul stench you smell is mainly a result from Butyric Acid, which apparently has a smell very common to that of rancid butter, and sulfur compounds which often smell much like rotten eggs.
In other words 90% of the gaseous fumes that are released, are comprised of the same gases you breathe in (or exogenous gases) in perfectly clean air containing the same compounds. There’s no difference. The other 10% however are gases produced within the digestive tract (or endogenous gases). My personal take on it is that those that have perfected the art of flatulence, such as myself, have a higher percentage of digestive juices in their fart mixture. Farts from a hefty lunch of beans, cabbage, Jerusalem artichokes, cereal, pastas, etc produce higher-scoring farts than, say, ice cream for instance.
Beans in particular are a good source of this fuel. In beans, endogenous gases arise from carbs that don’t fully get digested in the upper intestine. So when they make their way to the lower intestine, bacteria within the intestinal tract have a hay day on it, which produces the glorious odor so easily identifiable with a member of the bean family.
But enough on the smell…let’s talk about the sound. Hieroglyphics as fart back as the walls of the ancient Incas perpetuated the myth that the sound of fart came from the flapping of butt cheaks in the wind. In reality, the sound comes from smaller vibrations of the anus. One can alter the pitch of a fart by tightening or loosening the sphincter muscle and the speed at which one pushes out the gaseous embodiment of food by-product stench. The lucky ones can further assist in the ability to generate a varied array of sounds based on the amount of moisture down there and body fat (I myself having a gloriously high fat percentage am able to grab those low notes that DND nerds, supermodels and crack addicts only dream of.
One should note that nerve endings in the rectum learn to distinguish between farts and poops. Although loose stool can occasionally “confuse” these nerves. You can’t hurt yourself by holding in a fart.
It is believed that bovine flatulence is a contributor to the greenhouse effect. However, only 1/6 of the total gaseous emissions from livestock is produced by cow farts. The rest are cow burps (no lie). I should note here that the process of lighting farts is no myth. With the presence of copious flammable gases, it’s more than feasible and has been done for entertainment’s sake for years.
Famous Farters
Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford, cut a juicy fart while swearing loyalty to Queen Elizabeth I. He entered exile for seven years due to embarrassment. When he got back, the queen was reported to have reassured de Vere, “My Lord, I had quite forgotten the fart.”
Roman Emperor Claudius passed a law legalizing farting at banquets. That was back in the day when people believed farts were poisonous and you could die from holding them in.
Sir Henry Ludlaw had a present for the House of Commons when he released a ginormous fart that was so famous that Ben Johnson wrote an epigram about it.
According to Mozart’s letters, he used to fart a lot. He wrote about them in detail to his mother and cousin. Apparently there was a movie made about him that touched on this and it’s completely true.
Many attribute Adolf Hitler’s megalomaniac tendencies to the abuse of anti-flatulence pills.
A British inventor patented a “fart collecting device” (UK patent app #GB2289222). Apparently you actually have to put the thing up your butt.
In 1522 Juan Luis Vives did a commentary on St. Augustine’s “De Civitate Dei”. Both pieces of literature refer to the existence of actual Professional Flatulists. Apparently these guys could produce many pitches, tones, and rhythms with their farts. These apparently were very common during Europe’s dark ages and the art itself has Germanic roots (did I mention I’m about 50% German?). A performer named Roland the Farter was invited to the court of Henry II every Christmas. I’m starting a petition to bring professional farting back to the aristocracy as a form a entertainment in 2009. I figure I’ll be ready by then.
Bazooka-Joe made it so at 12:39 PM
