Actual Headlines From the Associated Press and Reuters
Another Downside to Aging
A military court in Sierra Leone convicted Warrant Officer Amara Conteh for collaboration with the rebels during attacks against government troops. Three other soldiers were sentenced to terms of 16–22 years, but the civilian judge sentenced Conteh to hang for the crime. He is 77 years old. (Reuters)
...Seeing as how you're not likely to live another 16 years, here's what we're gonna do....
A Dozen Kooks
The Appeal Court in Great Britain has been asked to review a murder conviction on the basis that the jury reached its verdict after a séance — which would mean they did not reach their verdict solely based on evidence presented in court, as required. It seems three of the jurors used a Ouija Board to contact the murder victim, who pointed his phantom finger at Stephen Young, 35, as the culprit. The 12-person jury went on to convict Young unanimously. (Reuters)
...OK, after two "smoke breaks", one "lunch", and seven "Hulk Hogan" responses, we finally got the Ouija Board to give us a "gilltee" verdict.
So Hot, They're Cool
Christopher Lyons, a drug dealer serving time in prison, filed a $310,000 lawsuit against the Kellogg Co., claiming that a "defective" Pop Tart injured his mouth and caused him nightmares, which lead to 72 hours of sleep deprivation. U.S. District Judge Benjamin Gibson dismissed the suit, saying there was no proof of suffering worth at least $50,000, the minimum for a federal lawsuit — partly, the judge noted, because Lyons had lost no wages and incurred no medical expenses. (AP)
...Pain and suffering from a breakfast pastry...I've seen it all now.
Mr. Smith Goes to Prison
Claude A. Smith, 60, a black man housed in an Ohio prison, was in need of prostate surgery. Claude E. Smith III, 43, a white man who until recently was housed in another Ohio prison, is suing the state of Ohio for $3 million, claiming his prostate was removed in error when they sent for the wrong Claude Smith. He charges the operation left him impotent and without bladder control. (AP)
...If it were me, and I was going in for an ear ache, I'd have started questioning when I had to remove my orange jumpsuit and the anesthesiologist asks me to count to ten backwards...but that's just me.
"English Roulette"
In lieu of wedding gifts, a couple in London, England, is asking that guests instead place bets with a bookmaker in their name. If the bet pays, the couple will collect the winnings. "If not, we will still have a lot of fun," the groom said. (Reuters)
...Talk about safe bets. Put me down for $10 that their marriage won't last a year.
Is it Time for Second Breakfast Yet?
Five hundred reserves from the Irish army were sent to the hospital when, apparently caught up in the heat of battle, they got a little carried away and suffered cuts, bruises, sunstroke and dehydration. But it wasn’t a war: they were performing as extras in Mel Gibson’s latest film, Braveheart, being shot in England. "The Irish Reserve Army don’t see much real action, so this could be the only chance they’ll ever have," a military spokesman explained. (Reuters)
...Don't you just love the smell of bourbon in the morning?
The Lazy Liar
In June, Richard Nieves, 21, called Aurora, Ill., police and reported that he had witnessed a child’s kidnaping. "People say you can speak with your eyes, and hers seemed to be saying, ‘Help me. Get me out of here. Do something for me’," Nieves said at the time. A massive police hunt turned up nothing, and after flunking a lie detector test, Nieves admitted making the story up. He was sentenced last week to two years’ probation and 500 hours of community service. Why did he do it? He needed an excuse for taking a day off work as a machine operator. (AP)
...Boss isn't buying the "Black Plague" anymore, eh?
Drive-by Flinging
An animal protection group in Jerusalem, Israel, says in the last three months there have been 43 reported cases of people throwing cats out of cars, apparently in an attempt to abandon them to the streets. While most were tossed from cars "at low speed," at least one ended up hitting the windshield of another vehicle. The cat survived. (Reuters)
...And 43 children were told their kitties were driven to a special Israeli farm just for cats to run and play.
Please Sir, May I Have S'more?
Mark Holmes admits he kidnaped a 10-year-old girl from a London-area vicarage and subjected her to a night of "indecent assault". Upon being sentenced to nine years in prison, he complained to the judge that the sentence was too lenient. "What sort of a sentence is that? I have ruined a girl’s life and you give me nine years? I am a beast, an animal," he said. (Reuters)
...Haven't you ever seen Shawshank Redemption? I’m sure your new roommate can help tip the scales in justice's favor.
The Death of a Dork
A gunman apparently hired to kill a woman shot at her several times in Edwards, Colo., but missed. So he tried hitting her with rocks. He was so inept that he was still at it when police arrived, and so nervous that when confronted by the responding officer, he had a heart attack and died on the spot. The woman survived, and recognized the gunman as a longtime friend of her ex-husband. (AP)
...On the divorce papers she put down "His stupid friends are always making a mess of my house."
Say Wha?!
A committee established by Parliament to suggest how to make Britain more "family friendly" suggested that Britain participate in a European Union policy of guaranteeing new fathers three months of unpaid paternity leave. "Helping men to be involved with their children is one way of providing a positive sense of identity," the committee report said. On the other hand, a report released by a university researcher five days earlier showed that unemployed British men would prefer to wander the streets than stay home and take care of their children. (Reuters)
..."Thanks much, but can you just send me a check instead?"
Bazooka-Joe made it so at 1:57 PM
