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Bazooka-Joe's Incoherent Ramblings

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Unofficial Men’s Room Etiquette Policy



1. If you are the first man in the bathroom, please choose a urinal at a far end of the row, not one in the middle. This is particularly critical if there are only three urinals, as is often the case in eating establishments and government buildings.

2. If a man is already standing at a urinal, and there are multiple urinals available, do not stand directly beside him to do your business if you do not have to. Avoid standing between two occupied urinals. Exceptions to rules 1 and 2 include crowded stadiums with a line to get into the bathroom.

3. If you do have to assume the position at a urinal adjacent to an occupied urinal, never under any circumstances “sneak a peak”. That’s gay.

4. If you catch a man “sneaking a peak” at you, you are within your rights to pummel him sufficiently.

5. The lowered urinals are for kids and midgets. Do not use them if you do not have to.

6. If you have a favorite urinal that is in use, do not wait for the man to finish. This is an opportune time to pick a second favorite.

7. There is no need to try to make conversation while urinating, especially if you are unacquainted with the other bathroom user. Just look straight ahead at the wall and mind your own business.

8. Toilet stalls are for those that need to sit down on a toilet. They are not for recreational purposes. Please do not take up the limited number of stalls to read the newspaper, etc. Nothing’s more frustrating when you’ve got to go than waiting for some guy to finish reading the want ads.

9. If a poor fellow is reaching his hand out from under the stall door and crying out “Can you hand me some paper?” you have the right to crack jokes, take pictures, and make general fun of the situation he is in, but you are required to hand him some TP from another stall when the fun is over.

10. The little white cakes in the urinals are not large mints. Do not under any circumstances attempt to eat them.

11. If there are only three urinals, and an impolite patron has occupied the center urinal, it is acceptable to select an unoccupied stall instead of standing directly next to him. This is especially true if the patron smell funny, looks dangerous, or appears to be waiting for someone to utilize an adjacent urinal. Other options would include standing in front of the mirror and pretending to fix your hair, tie, blowing your nose, etc.

12. Flushing after sitting down at a toilet is mandatory. Flushing after standing at a urinal is optional.

13. If you have a male child you are assisting using the bathroom, please perform this awkward process within the confines of a closed stall. No one wants to see your kid’s pants around his ankles as he does his business.

14. Please don’t make fun of the father in the stall with his kid. You were that young once too.

Bazooka-Joe made it so at 2:43 PM

6 Comments:

  • At September 14, 2005 5:42 PM, Blogger Pecadillo added:

    You'd think that this policy is one of those lists of rules that you should not have to teach another dude; guys should know this stuff already. Unfortunately, after traveling to Europe, I found that this policy is indeed quite necessary, and should be taught in schools all over the world.

    You are doing your fellow man a great service in publishing this list, Bazooka. Keep up the good work. |  

  • At September 15, 2005 1:32 AM, Blogger Dan added:

    I think that most instances can be served by this one rule.

    0. If another man is present in the bathroom at any stage before handwashing, turn around and exit. Both will appreciate the consideration.

    0b. If bathroom proves to be too busy, check all other bathroom options before returning. (Be sure to follow Bazooka-Joe's rule of Men's Room Etiquette in that instance. |  

  • At September 15, 2005 9:43 AM, Blogger Bazooka-Joe added:

    There seems to be an entirely different subset of rules that needs to be implemented for rest areas. Particularly the ones whose stall doors have been taken off the hinges. You have to do things like look under the stall walls to see pairs of legs, because you can't just walk up to a stall and check without catching a glimpse of Hobo Jim shooting up. Perhaps I'll make addendums to this at a later time, but right now I just don't have the energy. |  

  • At September 15, 2005 10:05 AM, Blogger bp added:

    #11 ..."Other options would include standing in front of the mirror and pretending to fix your hair, tie, blowing your nose, etc." So many times I have done this so that I could have the entire row of urinals to myself. |  

  • At September 15, 2005 10:08 AM, Blogger Bazooka-Joe added:

    We all have C-train. We all have. I've even washed my hands for lack of anything to do, only to wash them again when I'm done. Ridiculous. |  

  • At September 15, 2005 2:02 PM, Blogger Dan added:

    My worst offense is when I'm 'checking my hair' in one of those scratched up shiny pieces of metal that pass as a mirror in most rest areas. That is the fakest way of 'waiting' (look air quote!) You can't see ANYTHING in those mirrors, they are there to provide an alibi while I wait for the people to shuffle out so that I can have the place to myself.

    My word is: Pgjjwafa - Pronounced "FA-hwah-fa" (the "p" is an "ff" and the jj's have the Spanish "h" sound.) Which probably has something to do with the quality of air in a public rest room. ;-) |  

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